nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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