Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my being single is dangerous.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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