I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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