I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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