Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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