i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I have aggressive nipples.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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