My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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