I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
