the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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