i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
