Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
