as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
