I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
