Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We have so much sex to catch up on
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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