I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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