Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
