I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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