please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
