i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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