checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
