apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
