So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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