I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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