i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
