Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
