How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
