my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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