she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
