I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you never un-have a 4some
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
