I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
