I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
