You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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