apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize