Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
