fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am naked and annoyed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
