it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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