I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize