I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
