imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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