Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
