There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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