I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
