i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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