She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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