I think my vagina is haunted
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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