I can text with my tongue
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
