I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
