I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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