watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
