dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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