I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
