3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
