I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
