Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
