i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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