im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
