Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize