the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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