i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
