how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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