dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
