I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
